“Thank you for calling your bank’s Customer Service line. If you are calling from a working phone with no sound reproduction issues, then please either hang up and call us from a phone with heavy static on the line, or, failing that, please step into a construction site or crowded airport runway, or at least into a room with no less than five barking dogs and seventeen screaming children. When the Customer Service rep. answers the line, make sure to tell them all about your ongoing health problems and criminal and/or employment history, as well as that of your relatives, neighbors and friends. Under no conditions should you be familiar with or ready to give your account number, your full social security number, or even be able to pronounce your name so that our rep can match it up to the name on the screen. Also, it will help if you do not have any concept of what a ‘branch’ is, or even that subtraction works. Please assume that we already know what your problem is and how to solve it but are simply unwilling to admit our awesome psychic powers, in case the knowledge causes mass unrest. Feel free to tell the rep exactly how much better all other banks are and how no other bank ever charges any fees whatsoever, making sure to imply that the person answering the phones has full control over all bank functions, including what fees are assessed and when, how and where information is mailed, and even the décor and/or architectural features of the individual branches. Also please assume that we know everything about all your debits and are watching your account and personally allowing everyone to take any money they want from your account just because we’re that evil.
“And, remember, when we answer the phone, make sure the first words out of your mouth are: ‘I have a bank account with you people,’ because, after all, we never know, you could be calling up just to talk. Thank you and have a nice day.”