The Xenu Window – and a Plea For Help

Okay, so we know that I tend to get carried away. I’m still not sure why I started the project; I just felt that a bloodstained “faux” religion needed a “faux” stained glass window.

In any case, before I knew it, I had acquired the materials for a massive undertaking – a three-paneled, 4 foot by 2 foot “faux” stained glass representation of Scientology’s “secret” OT III backstory – the one involving space aliens, volcanoes, hydrogen bombs, and disembodied spirits watching motion picture shows.

The thing is approx. 4’1″ x 2’2″ x .5″, and tips the scales at over 25 pounds. Here’s the full piece:

whole thing blurry

And the three panels:

The frame is two sheets of lucite (thick, hard, clear plastic) with a flexible sheet of clear vinyl in between, contiguous through the panels to provide the hinges. The paint is craft glass paint, available at most craft shops and online. I use Plaid Gallery Glass, which goes on liquid and then cures to a Fruit Rollup consistency.

Here’s the back of the piece, soon after finishing, while I was giving it all a good wash:


For those who don’t know the story of Scientology’s central mythology, South Park has done a much better job than anyone ever could, and the version in “Going Clear” is well-done, too.


go forth my minionsHowever, at risk of telling an oft-told tale, it all started 75 million years ago when Lord Xenu decided to solve his overpopulation problem by sending everyone to get tax audits from psychiatrists. This should have been everyone’s clue that something was wrong, and indeed it was a trap, for they were injected with glycol and alcohol and thus immobilized.

muah hah hah



[insert evil laugh here]:







They were then flown in DC 8s to our planet, then called “Teegekak,” and stacked at the foot of volcanoes, which were then detonated with nuclear bombs. The spirits, or Thetans, flew up out of the bodies, where they werere caught by magnetic ribbons:

electroribbons stopping thetans

and then packed in boxes and shipped in trucks to a giant movie theater:

Where they were shown movies that made them believe in the world’s current, “false” religions (remember that the next time a Scientologist says that their religion is completely compatible and respectful of other faiths – their dogma states, right out, that Jesus is either a lie, or (according to later “teachings”), a pedophile given to violent rages).

Wow, double parentheses; I really was frothing there, eh? Back to our story:

So then, after being released, they wandered around and eventually inhabited the critters on this planet, evolving from primitive life forms into even more primitive, drooling couch-jumping idiots. No names, of course.

Oh, and Xenu was overthrown and put into a mountain jail, where he remains to this day.

xenu in clink

And, of course, I had to include El Wrong and the Tomatoes, mostly because it’s my favorite pic of the old fraud, but also because, well, the bastard couldn’t keep from poking his nose in everywhere. So here he is.

the old fraud

Notice the teensy tiny face in the lump on his head. That’s Little Davey. Tick, tock, Davey – some day you’re gonna be inconsequential as the lump on the Old Man’s head. Your crimes already stink as bad as the old fraud’s teeth.

Oh, and the border? Clams and clams and clams and clams…


And then the signature disc is actually its own separate piece, cut and inlaid to be completely transparent.

Or, at least, it shall be transparent, eventually. The paint takes quite a while to dry and cure completely. That said, the paint is clearer now than it was when these pictures were taken a few weeks ago.

So on to the plea: by the time it was due to be finished by my semi-reasonable timeline, there was a meetup of members of Tony Ortega’s Bunker happening, and my original intention was to raffle it off in honor of that, as I was impressed – and still am – by the hard work done to set it up in the first place, and I wanted to salute that effort, and at the same time raise some money to benefit someone who needed help recovering from the Dreaded Cult of Scamology and produce a hella funny piece of art. However, various things happened to put the kibosh on the piece even being ready to transport by that date, as well as the fact that I’d let my drivers’ license expire, and … well, Life happened, and I wasn’t able to attend, or even raffle anything off in honor of it.

I’d still like to raffle this thing off and have the funds benefit someone either currently trapped in the cult or recently escaped, and yet, when it comes right down to it, I honestly have NO idea how to turn Big Ass Piece of Paint and Plastic into Money to Give to Help a Worthy Recipient.

Anybody got any ideas?

And here’s some other pics, closeups and details. Enjoy.

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2 Responses to The Xenu Window – and a Plea For Help

  1. Rainbow says:

    A Great sculpture. I Love it and the Story behind of this pedophile guys. (Commodores virgins org). What is the price?

    • Thanks! At this point, I have not given it an asking price; I am hoping to raffle it, so as to ensure that all who wish it have a more or less equal chance of winning, while raising the maximum amount to donate to the eventual recipient. Also, if I were to calculate in the price of the materials and potential postage alone, it would put it out of just about anybody’s price range.

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